Ten Principles of Change You Need to Know
Here are the ten most important principles about change you need to know to help your child:
1. Most behaviors and attitudes are learned. Granted, some behaviors may be
influenced by biological factors, but most are learned. Our children learn those
behaviors, attitudes, and habits from what we teach them about the world and
from their experiences. Although there are some things we can’t change (such as
our child’s personality and physical characteristics), we can teach new behaviors
and habits and values and skills so that our child can handle her world and deal
with the genetic hand she was dealt. For instance, the shy kid can learn social
skills to become more confident in groups; the aggressive kid can learn anger
management skills; the impulsive kid can learn skills and techniques to stop and
think before he acts.
2. Most behavior can be changed. Because behaviors and attitudes are learned, they
can be changed. Most can be changed by using proven, research-based techniques.
3. Most behaviors need intervention. Don’t expect your kid to change on his
own. His behavior will most likely only get worse without your intervention.
Also, don’t think poor behavior is “just a phase that he’ll outgrow.” You’re just
providing more time for your kid’s bad behavior to become a habit. And then it
will be even tougher to change. That’s why the first step of every change in this
manual is called Early Intervention. That first step can help you nip the problem
before it becomes a habit.
4. Change agents must alter their response. You must be willing to use a more
effective way of responding so as to produce the desired change. After all, what
you’re currently doing isn’t working, right? An important change formula is
“Change yourself so you can change your child.” I’ll give you effective new
responses, but you must commit to using them and change your current
interaction. By doing so you’ll also be less likely to just react; instead, you will
respond more effectively. Your child is more likely to change if in responding you
• Stay calm. Be cool and calm in your tone and posture.
• Be respectful. Start requests with “Please.” When your child complies say,
“Thank you.”
• Get in close proximity. Being physically closer to your child increases the
likelihood that he will comply. So move closer to your child. Get down to eye
level when you make a request.
• Be direct. Explain what you want in a clear and direct way, and then expect
nothing less than full compliance.
• Model. Your child is watching you. Model the behavior you want her to copy.
• Be consistent. Use the new response everywhere and everywhere.
5. You are more likely to succeed if you target one change at a time. Don’t overwhelm
yourself or your child by trying to change too many behaviors at once. Instead
focus your energy on only one challenge at a time. That way you can develop a
much more specific behavior plan to eliminate the bad behavior.
6. Identifying the desired change is essential. Most parents have no problem naming
what they want to stop, but to achieve change you must also identify what behavior
you want instead. Usually the desired change is for the child to be doing the
exact opposite of what he is currently doing. The behavioral term for that is the
“positive reverse.” Only when you identify the positive reverse will you be able to
create a plan to turn things around. Use the “Goldilocks Question” to help you
identify the positive reverse: “What is my child using too much?” (The problem:
a whiny voice.) Next ask: “What is my child doing too little or not enough?” (The
desired change or positive reverse to aim for: “Using a more respectful tone.”)
7. Every unacceptable behavior needs a replacement. For every desired change, always
think: “If my child is to stop doing one behavior, what will she do instead?” No
behavior or attitude will change unless you teach another behavior, skill, or habit
to replace the current, inappropriate one. Without this step, chances are that the
child will revert to using the old misbehavior, and no change will take place.
8. Children need to rehearse the new behavior. Learning any new behavior takes
practice. And rehearsing or practicing the new skill, behavior, or attitude enough
times is what makes real change possible. The goal is for your child to be able to
use the replacement confidently in real life without your help. Psychologists call
that principle “reinforced practice,” and it is a crucial step for change. Science
shows that if the new replacement behavior is repeated enough, it actually rewires
a child’s brain such that she is far less likely to revert back to the troublesome
former behavior.
9. You need to reinforce the right action. Research shows that giving kids the right
kind of praise (called “positive reinforcement”) is one of the best ways to shape
new behavior. Science also shows that parents are more likely to point out the
negative behavior they don’t want. Result: no change. So catch your kid doing the
action you want. Just make sure your praise is specific and tells your child exactly
what she did right. (Adding “because” or “that” takes your praise up a notch. “I’m
so impressed that you started your homework all by yourself this time.”) Research
also proves that kids don’t need all those fancy and pricey rewards to change.
They do need acknowledgment for their efforts.
10. The Rule of 21 will keep you on course. Change takes time. Don’t expect your
thirty-minute Saturday night lecture to make more than a dent in your kid’s
behavior on Sunday. Give yourself and your child time to make that change really
happen. Learning new habits usually takes a minimum of twenty-one days of
repetition. A big parenting mistake is not sticking to a behavior plan long enough.
So whatever change you want, commit to your plan for at least twenty-one days.
Above all, here’s the most important principle to know: research proves that it’s
never too late to change. Even if the problem has been going on for a long time, don’t de-
spair—and never give up. Help is on the way. Small, temporary changes in what you do
can have lasting effects in changing your child’s behavior at home and at school.
